November 25, 2011 § 5 Comments
The good old fashioned pen and a diary. Probably around 8 years old I started to write in it. I recall that an aunt gave it as a Christmas gift, a hard bound notebook with cute cuddly bears on the front cover. The first event that was permanently absorbed by the pages was New Year’s Eve. That afternoon, December 31st my grandmother died from ovarian cancer, she was 77 years old. With the rest of the family grieving, it was a sad day to welcome the New Year. As a child, that was the first death I experienced. I really didn’t know how to show my sadness when everyone else trying to go on with their lives. I guess it wasn’t a coincidence that I got my diary that month. I tried to include every single detail as the weeks passed which helped me through. But I remembered I got conscious writing when I tried to be honest with my feelings because at that age I thought, “What if someone reads this they would know all these raw and intense details of my life and I wouldn’t want them to think that I was actually feeling and thinking this way.” Wow, so even as a child I didn’t want people to know how I truly felt because I got scared of what might think. I know some content were edited so it wouldn’t seem that deep but all were real.
Anyway, I wrote daily, then weekly and then it came to a point where, whenever I could remember. At school even up to college, it became a habit to jot down my thoughts in any of my school notebooks. There was this instance where I got a call from one of my classmates and asking me if I’m alright, and said that they found my notebook where I wrote a somewhat goodbye note to this life. And that was the last of my habit.
Growing up in my teens, I would also record my memories in loose pieces of papers (which I still have). But problem was that I’m too secretive, I felt like I wanted to document all my struggles organically but I couldn’t because of the same reason, I’m scared. So I always have several rules like, no names of people, skip out some details of the incidents and keep it somewhat readable that if something happens to me and if certain people would reads it they won’t be as hurt. It’s tough when you want to just vent out but you can’t.
Now in my twenties, I still have issues candidly expressing deep personal thoughts through writing. I haven’t even told people I knew about this site. It seems unnatural for me even if it’s a different subject matter. Oh well, just wanted to get this all out. I’m here for the long run! Cheers!
November 22, 2011 § 3 Comments
I was forced to quit my job and wanted to pursue the idea of something different. Sadly, the stars didn’t align to well for my hopes. Currently I’m facing the decision of going back to the same job or company. But hell no! It feels like you go back to something that didn’t make you happy but you had to go along with it. I live in a small city where there’s not a lot of the opportunities that I want to have. All those are in a different place. But if you’d tell me, “ Then do something about it! “ I’d say, “ I did, but I now can’t leave just yet.” My dad has an incurable illness and mom is also struggling with work and financial issues here at home. They are aging and my conscience can’t carry the load of just leaving again. It’s so ironic because I can’t stand it here. So what do I do to help? Nothing. I’m also getting older and I want to move to a different place and city to find work. But they’d rather see me move to a different country than to another city. That’s why there’s just no urge for me to find any job. I’m also broke and can’t go anywhere at this stage. I also know that I need to grow up and take responsibility. Anyway important things matter like relationships and real happiness. But I can’t describe the feeling of I just want to be out there and experience rather than facing this mundane reality.
I miss a lot of things when I had a job. It was my first and only full time occupation for 2 years straight. Needless to say, I have great respect for money, it’s just those few perks that goes along with it. You get paid which enables you to do things like to eat wherever you wish, have that pricy coffee, purchase that expensive shirt, buy those gadgets that you long for, and most of all I just miss travelling. I’m not a rich or spoiled kid, I was never. I have no debt that I owe. Maybe I just miss having that control.
I understand that it starts within me and alter the way I think. I got to stop whining, and figure out a way to get along well, make some cash and hopefully live.
November 21, 2011 § 2 Comments
For almost 3 months I lived in the Lion City. The country is pretty vibrant and so many characteristics that is way different from my country. I went there in search for a job but it didn’t work out so well. All the disappointments aside, it was a humbling experience. Since I was unemployed and living in costly country, I had no right to spend money that I didn’t even have. I got to experience limiting myself to the things I didn’t notice before like transportation fares, expensive cigarettes and the pricey alcoholic beverages. I could get a bottle of beer here for less than a dollar, and cheapest beer I bought there was at 5.30 SGD. Anyway, I enjoyed the inexpensive Chinese meals such as chicken rice and fish ball soup.I had one hell of a laugh with my friend in train rides as we would converse in our vernacular and no one could understand. And damn, hurrying to go home in the middle of the night because train station closes before 12 mid night (taxi fares doesn’t come cheap). These are some of the few moments I experienced living there. All in all, a good one.
November 21, 2011 § Leave a comment
Received a newsletter a few days ago from Lomography.com It’s their totally new Pure Lomographic Gold 195g edition! The Diana F+, Fish Eye No. 2 and Diana Mini Gold Editions are an excellent additions to the Lomo collection. I got several Lomo cameras but this series goes so effectively with the holiday season! Terrific timing to accessorize and take photos during Christmas or the New Years. Loving the nicely thought out details of each camera! It’s a nice present for those Lomo enthusiast or a great gift to self.
November 18, 2011 § 1 Comment
I’ve surrendered to the blog world! “Blogging, not actually my thing.” I said to myself more than once. I once signed up to WordPress but then deactivated it right after that. Possibly simply because I wanted to stick to my word that I’m not into this. After all, I seldom read blogs of individuals and only those I am actually fascinated about. But I hope I can admit to people that I now blog. Anyway, it’s not that bad, its great actually! I can put my mind to work again and share to the world. Ready or not here I come!